Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
