I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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