My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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