I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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