My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
