Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
