i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
sex in a hospital.. check
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
