she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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