I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
