Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
