Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
