My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he wants to bone in the snuggie
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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