my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
PANTIES FOUND
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