end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
