How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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