this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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