i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
