dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
