you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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