What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
