maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
