I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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