listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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