You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
