I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i drank out of a bidet.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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