I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
