dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
