1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
