"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
