After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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