Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
