I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
