My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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