I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
