FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
