the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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