Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
