I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
