a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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