made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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