I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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