I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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