Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
