probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
