I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
