i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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