she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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