I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
