I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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