A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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