i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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