life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
